But I do want to breakdown some of the things this year has taught me, about food, about addiction, about myself...
First, My year was December 4th 2017- Dec 4, 2018. I have not stopped but I am at a "maintaining/stand still" until the new year. There are so many sweets and gatherings going on around me I dont want to not enjoy, and truth be told when I do reach my goal weight I will have to learn to maintain. So currently we'll call this a maintain trial run, can I maintain and not gain during the holidays, that is my current goal! And when I say not gain I give myself 3 pounds on the scale as wiggle room because your weight will fluctuate and I am not going to go crazy over feeling gaining a few ounces or a pound is not maintaining, maintaining to me is a 3 pound window, it can be different for anyone, whatever your hearts feels is content for you. Sometime in November 2017 I stepped on the scale at home (yes this is the first unveiling publicly of my weight)- and it said 317 pounds. yes the absolute heaviest I had ever been in my life. I was devastated. What was I thinking all this time? What person what I really seeing in the mirror. This damn scale cant be right! And I was RIGHT, that damn scale was WRONG... I went to the dr with my husband thinking yeah that scale at home is completely wrong, so I jumped on the first scale-- up popped the number 339, WTF, theirs is worse! So on the way out I tried another scale 337... oh hell naw! That cant be. I went home stepped on my scale again 320... I cried yall I mean I literally broke down and thought this cant be right!? I have been a big girl all my life but there is NO WAY I am 330 SOMETHING pounds! Two years ago I was 265ish, then I remember in 2016 going up to 289 but , 337?? But it was right 337, stared me in my face again when I had the flu and had to go to the emergency room, 337... 337??? So my initial goal is a tad bit off-centered. My goal before I even stepped on a scale was 225-- this comes from a moment in my past, thats irrelevant to this but that was a goal. 225... My goals changed throughout my journey and became 100 pounds (becuase I honestly thought I was only about 80lbs from my goal-- until I stepped on the scale)-- then my goal became 137lbs, you know hit that 200 mark! My current goal is 190 or 147 pounds total loss, technically a whole person
Stepping back into November and why I even stepped on the scale that day-- I recall my birthday- November 18th, going shopping for an outfit and seeing a shirt that was open down the front and thinking OH I can wear that as a dress! I put that size 26 shirt on and it fit--- like a shirt! Oh this is made small was my thought! We went out for my birthday-- I take a ton of pictures all the time, after getting back from the weekend get a way I sat on my bed going through pictures to post on FB and there wasnt a single one that I wanted to post, no skinny angle pictures that were worthy of me showing the world... that hurt.. so stepping on that scale at the end of November was because at 39 I knew I didn't like what I saw, I knew that in 2018 I would be 40 years old and I wanted not to feel this way about those pictures! I wanted to celebrate and be able to post pictures and not feel the way I felt that day sitting there looking at pictures I thought I would never post...
December 4th came and I am not sure what made me start that day, my company used to purchase us cereal. I started by eating cereal for lunch, one change, No breakfast, cereal for lunch and I removed beef from my diet (this was already on going to a certain extent trading ground beef for ground turkey in everything except burgers at that point). I grabbed my phone, downloaded My Fitness Pal and started plugging in information. I ate cereal everyday at lunch for one month and lost 17 pounds, I was EXCITED!!! Those first 17 pounds put me under 300 on my home scale- YES I knew it was wrong but I didnt buy a new scale for quite some time, but I knew my scale was off 20 pounds mentally (and every two weeks at my husbands dr's appointments I would check on their scales too).
January came and I decided that at this point I would only eat seafood and chicken, grilled or baked only. This became tricky to do when you have kids participating in sports and activities and wanting McD's all the time-- that Artisan chicken sandwich with no bread was a lifesaver a lot of days!, by the end of January I had lost another 20lbs,I was beyond happy! It was also at this point that I was feeling my loss, even though I also learned at this point no one could see it, this is the point in which I tell EVERYONE dont give up just because no one says anything or no one notices, KEEP PUSHING!
So February came, and we decided-- husband and myself-- that we should start exercising. We joined SNAP fitness, now this is a place I really wish was close to my job so that we could have continued going there. Anyway we were getting up in the mornings working out and then I would come to work. At this point we were sweating and out of breath at a speed of 2.0, 30 minutes and we were DONE!. That worked for a month but it was making me too late for work and I couldnt go early because well-- kids and school... but anyway February we started the treadmill walks.
March-- in march I went shopping, first time, and I bought a size 20-- OMG they fit!!! They fit!!! Mid March I bought a size 18-- awe shit now I am doing this damn thing! Still no one noticed, yes I went from a size 24/26 to a 20 and no one batted an eye.. my mom noticed, that made me feel good, my husband of course but no one else. I decided to keep this journey pretty much to myself at that point. Stop looking for the likes from others, do this for yourself! So March was interesting this is when Hubby realized I was for real, he took me out to dinner a week straight for our anniversary and I made great choices each and every time. This is when he knew I was for real. So March 21st, we joined Planet Fitness near my job and started working out every day at lunch
APRIL-- April was a turn around month. April 1st I joined a challenge and it would by far be the best thing I could do to get my body in gear. I did a no meat challenge but I upped the no meat to include no dairy no sweets nothing but water as drinks. April alone I dropped 25 pounds. Just by removing processed things, yes I ate the same thing over and over some times but it wasnt as bad as I thought either. I would wake up every morning and exercise and then walk the treadmills with my husband at lunch and THEN I enrolled my son in track and I began walking the track while he ran.
May, June, July, August-- in reality were all the same, a variation of April but not moving too far from the basics, maintaining not eating processed or at least not as much processed is a better thing to say.
August we went to IOWA and I took time off my diet, I actually only gained 3 pounds the entire week we were gone but I contribute this mostly to having now had a standardized way of thinking and taste buds,
I had changed HOW I looked and thought about food, instead of telling myself I CANT have something I really just didnt WANT it, or it was something I just DONT eat, the word cant makes things enticing. like oooh I can't have it but I want it... no start looking at things like I dont WANT that and it actually becomes easier to trun away and you are more mentally programmed to be able to turn away without feeling as though you are missing out on something.
September became somewhat of a slow down, I started adding in weights to my loss, strength training. I didnt like that the numbers on the scale werent moving BUT my body was shaping and I was excited!!
October-- OMG I hit 225--- I HIT 225!!! My very first goal! And it felt great!!! I was on a real mission, I really had met my first goal! I went shopping!!!! I went nervously into Ross with a size 14 and a size 16 in my hand, I put the 16 on first and it fit too big, I put on the 14 and shed another small tear. I cannot remember EVER buying a 14 as an adult. Now I have lost weight before, went off to college and actually lost a nice amount I dont know how much because growing up I never liked or willingly stepped on scales) But I do know that while shopping I never went under a 18. And here I stood in the dressing room in a size 14.... almost to my non weight mission-- a 12....
November came and I did a PUSH for the 12s before my birthday-- and I must say ON my birthday I wore a size 12 to my party.... but buying those size 12s... was a different story....Went back to my favorite Ross store and got 2 size 12 jeans, went to the dressing room, and I put them both on I still didn't feel... mission accomplished... that's right! I stood there a few days before my birthday at 215.7 pounds and I felt fat as fuck. All my hard work, all my sweat, I looked in the mirror and thought but damn bihh you still over 200 pounds! You havent met your goal, you could have done better than this, you could have kept walking when track season was over, you could have skipped dinners along the way, you see how these people you follow on instagram keep it together and are further along in their journey than you. You didnt fail but you sure arent skinny honey! I stood there depressed. I walked out and my husband asked if they fit, I told him yes and we bought them. I put on my smile and acted as though I was really mentally okay.
The night of my Friday night party I was getting dressed, put the 12s on and took them off, put them back on and took them back off, while my husband sat looking at me like I was crazy, so the last time I got dressed, he came and hugged me and told me how sexy I looked and how proud of me he was and that no matter what he never saw weight, he only saw me, and that thru all the weight I had lost the sexiest thing was my determination. And a light bulb went off, here I was in a size 12, last year I stood there with him in a size 26, how could I even let MYSELF talk down to me? How could my eyes continuously show me the person I was instead of the person I AM? I dont feel any different most days than when I was 337 pounds, I still feel like me, and maybe that's the part that still holds me back.
I still get nervous when going thru smaller places, places I normally would go around or avoid. I still think twice when stepping on something or laying on someone or standing next to someone. How large I look in pictures (which I went from taking none of me to a ton of me all the time but of course they stay private pictures). I still feel like when I am shopping people think "who is she shopping for in this section". I feel completwly awkward when shopping in jr's even though I can now go and get a 15 and not have to try it on or go and get a 14 and know they will fit.
December came and I gained-- oooohhhh how I gained! LOL. But I enjoyed my birthday-- I turned 40 and my MONTH was unforgettable, tons of laughter and drinking and fun with friends and family and all that I mean I partied almost a full month so the gain was something I knew would happen. Its been a little harder getting it back off because I am enjoying life, 12 pounds back on, sigh. So my year is up, and now I am planning another year, December 5th next year I plan to stand here no more than 180 (yes I know that is still "overweight"-- and those who are curling their noses up at the weight I aim for-- simply and easily-- fuck you) I am looking forward to track season again, and new challenges for the new year...
I have been asked what I did so many times and simply and honestly my biggest thing was reduction in calories, every plan/diet reduces all to the same thing-- a reduction in the calories you eat. Getting away from starchy food and those with high volumes of salt was huge as well. My body cannot handle pork or beef at this time and I honestly can say I am okay with that. I have loose skin everywhere-- and for the moment I am okay with that too.
Next year I will stand here 180 toned. That is my new goal.
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