Strong Women Empower Other Women

Strong Women Empower Other Women…

I purchased this shirt at a sports store one day this past summer. I loved it the moment I laid eyes on it. I was in a group of women on FB that encouraged each other to walk at least 1 mile per day. I adored the group, some made it to their own personal goals, some didn’t, we didn’t care, we cheered the effort! No, one mile per day isn’t some huge thing to most people, but when the majority of us sit behind a desk for 8 hours and then ride home for another hour, cook and clean and bathe and bed… a mile – time for yourself—your own moment—can get lost. This wasn’t a “I did a mile while doing…”.. this was a self-focusing mile. That moment dedicated to yourself. In this group we shared pictures of sweat, pain, triumph, it was amazing… (Now mind you most of us walked between 3-8 miles per day, the one mile was just something to motivate).

You know why this uplifting of each other was so amazing??? Because WOMEN tend not to uplift other women! I could easily sit here and say I don’t know why this happens, but the truth is I do. It’s natural.. its embedded in us… It’s passed down generationally. THAT is why. Its because we, as women, were not seen as equal EVER in the workplace, so when we were “allowed” to work, we were continuously judged and therefore competition became a natural response. It’s a natural gesture to see something you want and go for it. Its also a natural gesture to see someone else you THINK wants it and then attempt to get there first. As an example: you can drive around a parking lot and see the nature of competition in full force!  But the problem is, we weren’t taught— there are 17 million other parking spots and we ALL can park!

Three times this week I have been met with this conversation. My first interaction was with a friend who happens to be a recruiter. She expressed how people would hold back information on how they do their jobs, as job security. Jane would never show Paula how to do everything completely… she didn’t want the competition, she didn’t want someone she trained to take her job… this happens ALL THE TIME!!! When I was first employed, I was seen as a threat. I was not trained. The lady who was to train me would walk by me and ignore me. My then-manager had to step in and show me the basics, from there I had to learn on my own. She all but refused to train me. She thought I was coming for her position, after I was hired, she didn’t lose her job and we actually went to lunch a few times after that. Another lady I had interactions with, was in a high position and I am yet to understand why she saw me as a threat, other than I was a woman, who was now involved in meetings in which she had previously been the only woman. There was continuous competition for who was correct on every matter that hit the table. When in the grand scheme of things, we did two completely different job functions, we are literally BOTH correct. But she only saw competition. This same friend who is a recruiter posted about minorities doing the same thing and brought up women in the same post was my second conversation, and it was discovered I –of course—was not the only one who has seen and experienced this. I think that most women who work in an environment where there is an abundance of them doing the same job, tend not to compete as much. But when in a position that only 1 person, maybe 2 or 3 at most get that “title”—the competition gets raw.  

My third interaction was with … we’ll call him the “Boss”.. I was walking to my office when he stopped me to read my shirt “Strong Women Empower Other Women”—he responded “women should empower men as well”—my reply “We have always empowered men, we have NOT always empowered other women”—a small glimpse of confusion and then acceptance. “Women are the future of business”….. From the perspective of a male in corporate America… women are the future of business…. WHY CAN’T WE THINK THAT WAY… or why can’t other women think that way?  I am in love with success, I love to see women, men, children, pets… you name it, succeed. I run up and down football fields, basketball courts, soccer fields, I record every game my kids have, because I love to see them succeed.. no they do NOT win every game, no they do not always get the medal or the trophy, but they put all their efforts forward and that is success. Failure is success in waiting. We can, as women ALL succeed even if we fail, you fall 8 times, you get back up 9! But someone else’s failure shouldn’t bring you pride, shouldn’t stroke your ego, you should lift them up, not destroy them. Dimming someone else’s light doesn’t make yours shine any brighter. Bringing attention to someone’s short comings doesn’t make yours any less than what they still are. I wish as women, that we would actually empower one another. We are no longer each other’s competition because they only want one woman working for them to meet their quota. Yes, sometimes more than one person will apply for a position and that may be your competitor for that MOMENT, do not live your life thinking you are in constant competition with that same person.

I am thankful I had a mother who understood and instilled in me that I am the only me, and the only person I truly compete with is who I was yesterday. We are not each other’s competition. I wish we could see that we need to be each other’s strength!

Depression

Depression is real and it doesn't have to be triggered by anything.. (as always ignore typos)

So I guess technically its not completely random... I have depression. I have dealt with depression for over a decade. Actually I have had several moments of depression throughout my entire life, but not diagnosed until about 10 years ago. Depression changes you... I'm not sure anyone who has ever been depressed actually gets over it, and if they do, I congratulate them because while sometimes mine are triggered, sometimes it comes completely out of thin air.

Today's I think is a tad bit of everything. I don't particularly know if its one issue or all of the craziness at once. There has been so much killing going on lately that its bothering my soul... like it started with Maleah, for some reason that situation had me in tears from the jump. I knew something was wrong from the very beginning and that feeling is still with me, I cant stand any of them that are involved including that sorry ass excuse for a mother and I cant stand to even look at the wanna be civil rights activist (who by the way is a racist himself and yes I believe that if you hate Jewish people you are racist!) An entire month my soul mourned for that baby and then to find her the way she was, had me praying it wasn't her and at the same time praying it was... such a mix of emotions because God knows I wouldn't have wanted them to discovered yet another baby, but you know my heart just hoped for the best while my mind was thinking the worst. Then the 17 year old who was killed DAYS after graduating, DAYS by someone else who had graduated from the same damn school. I already knew that part before it was announced today so I was hurt yesterday about TWO lives lost, completely preventable!!!! And to take the cake the 13 year old baby caught in a crossfire, hurt me to my soul... I could only think of my baby, my son... at 13 technically a child should be able to go tot he store with friends and come back home safe!!! I don't let me kids go to the store, I barely let them out of my sight even when they are with my older step kids. I cant imagine the mom, I cant imagine the lady who tried to help and her daughter who watched someone she knew go thru such a tragic experience. I cant imagine what he was thinking and praying when all he wanted to do was go get a snack from a fucking corner store. Not even to mention the transgender ladies being killed. I cant help but think this is being done by someone who hates themselves and their own desires and are taking it out on these women. I didn't know Lay directly but I new her indirectly thru my family and my step daughters knew her. Its just a very sad time in Dallas and it all is affecting me.

Working while have depression is hard as shit. Picking yourself up in the morning, standing in the shower and praying that those open pores will help push you thru the day. Getting to work and putting the fake smile on your face as you try not to allow anyone to see your mood. Getting home and your kids keep asking if you are okay and of course you say yes, but no you are not. Forcing yourself to make a 5/10 minute quick dinner each night because even depressed you cant neglect your family, only to lie in bed praying sleep will take over, and sometimes t does, for a moment, until 230/3am, you want sleep to return but it doesnt, you open FB and another damn shooting, another missing child, another dead body... you mourn, you go to sleep, your alarm says get up but you cant now, the sleep just got here...fuck!!! Time to push thru....again

I've tried to pour my everything into my kids sports but today--- for some reason today-- my soul is uneasy, to much tragedy and pain surrounds me, I'm overwhelmed with emotion. My anxiety is at its peak. My soul needs some relief! Some laughter, some drinks with friends, SOMETHING because all this energy all this tragedy all these empathetic feels are making me want to do nothing but lay down in the bed and cover my head and hope for better days tomorrow. Really HOPING for better days...

R &B This is Us

I KNOW there are a ton of blogs and articles on the relationship between Randall and Beth, so I thought hey might as well put my 2 cents out there as well right?

Okay so lets start with manipulating relationships. Please do not lie, we ALL have done this. We know our husband/wife/fiance/BF/GFs weaknesses and we use that to get what we want period! If you THINK you have never done it... think about something as simple as a meal. All day you have wanted one meal in particular, maybe even a week, but your significant other doesn't want it or you know they want something else... you find a way to talk them into that place. "Oh how about XYZ"... now you knew you wanted that all along, you went thru several different options knowing in the back of your mind what you really wanted, this happens a lot with new restaurants you saw somewhere on your FB timeline that serves some exotic meal you want to try and your partner is a burgers and fries type of person. You know this, you use this, we manipulate each other. We do this with kids as well! Making them think they really want something. We do this with clothing, "Ooo you look good in that suit/dress" (because the outfit they want to wear isn't what you want them to wear).

Now, in this episode, we saw how Beth felt she was manipulated or taken over by Randalls "charm" BUT, Beth sometimes is the same-- lets look at the proposal, after SEVERAL proposals, she finally said yes, AFTER making it HER way... she turned down every thought he came up with to propose to her- jumbotron, dancing and singing, everything that he thought and put some effort into ... she turned down. She wanted it her way.... and yet the episode made that very minuscule in showing manipulative behavior. She is no pushover. Lets think back... one of the reasons he really wanted her by his side at that dinner is SHE has the ability to manipulate an entire room! Think back to is campaign ... he KNOWS her skills are getting what she wants when she wants. The proposal wasn't such a small thing after all, it shows her strength and her determination to do things the way she wants them done. (I wont even mention the way the wedding vows were done, yes it seemed loving but she took over in that instance as well)

YES she has had that mans back thru anxiety attacks, thru adoptions, thru finding his father, all that... Thru breakdowns and wild ideas and rides. I'm not taking anything from her at all. She IS a backbone and HIS biological dad told her so and she took that to heart and she knows she is. Most women in relationships ARE the backbone when it comes to the emotional status of the home. NOT that our partners don't have our backs, but that the nurturing side of us makes sure the home is okay mentally and emotionally. I know I'm not being "politically correct" I'm just being honest from my point of view. There are men who make sure you are good emotionally and most men should. But if she had been with Randall, what 7 years before marriage, she knew his quirks, his strengths his weaknesses, all that. He was literally an open book from the very first date. --- As is she was a hard, go-getter, take no shit woman from the very first date. And while they hint at the "Pearson charm" during the show, as strongly willed as her mom was and as she has been throughout these seasons, I only see her giving up or bending to a certain extent. 

Things only going right when she bends..  thought this was interesting, and its because I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND where she is coming from... I have felt that same way, I have. I have felt that I have bent several times in my relationship. I can sit and point out just like she did, the times along the years that I have felt I had to put what I wanted to the side... or times when I have had to hold my tongue because he is asking me to be nice. Times when I worked from home or did overtime just to compensate certain things in life. Sacrificing "me time" oh we wont even get started on that.. I have had a very similar argument happen in my house because I brought up all the times I sacrificed and all the times my feelings were hurt or thrown to the side... AND THEN IT HAPPENED... he placed his list on the table in front of me as well... his virtual list of his own sacrifices, his own times when his pride was injured for my happiness. Where his "me time" was sacrificed for me....

So while I KNOW everyone is looking at the show like DAMN she gave up everything for him, I am TRULY hoping that they show his version of the past as well. Because a lot of times when we speak from hurt and bring up memories, we tend to only focus on our own hurt, our own sacrifices, our own half-memories...



(SN: she should stick to her guns on dancing, it makes her smile it gives her pleasure, his election was his choice, she asked him to quit and he didn't, he now needs to make those sacrifices)

(Another SN: Why the hell do they need a sitter when they were at the hospital in another city for 2 days, where were the kids then? And WHY don't y'all pay google so that everyone can see everybody before bed? I mean you're living in a very nice home you can't tell me y'all aren't up on technology. So many holes in the "needing someone home with the kids" part of this it irritates me... the challenge isnt the kids at all in all of this the challenge is actually setting standard times for work versus home!)

Black in the Workplace

Again, as always random thoughts and babbles...

So  was walking during lunch today and was thinking about my employment. I am the only black person at my job. Not only at the location I work in but in general with all locations included. Texas, Ohio, Florida, even El Salvador. I am IT. We have Nexus in 22 states and I am the one and only African American person. I have been for now 7 years-- when I started we had one other black person, a guy who worked at the warehouse. Interestingly when I first started here it was inventory time so my first days were at the warehouse. Upon completion of inventory I am to the office and the first thing that was said to me was "Oh you work here? I thought you would be working in the warehouse". I'm not sure if she meant it really the way I took it but I have always been offended by that comment. Not only because my first day at the warehouse I was in a dress and heals (unknowingly that it was inventory and I did manage to get a change of clothing). But I think maybe that should have prompted me for these years to come. I got over that moment and kept working. Mastering my craft here but along the way there have been so many times that I felt the "because I'm black" moments. Just to name a few

1. As mentioned above, people thinking there was no way a black woman would be hired here in corporate versus the warehouse

2. Hair- OMG you COULDN'T even imagine half of the hair comments I have gotten. "Your dreds are awesome"-- Dreds? I have not ever had dreds in my entire being. I have had individual BRAIDS, but never dreds. I was stopped once at a copier "Oh, I watched a youtube video this weekend on braiding hair, I just don't know how you guys do it".... my reply "neither do I! Because I don't do it!" And the "Is this your real hair?" question.... geesh! I wore a afro ponytail one day and was told how "authentic" I look.

3. Black Lives Matter. I hold a person I work with very dear to my heart, or at least I once did.... we all know the stories behind black lives matter and if you don't come from under a rock... anyway I was in a meeting and it was brought up and a person I really like yelled, "I'm sick of this black lives matter crap, all lives matter not just them". I was floored, one person in the office looked at me for response, what do I do? Thank God for anti depressants because it allowed me to keep my job? All respect went completely out the door for that person. That was a few years ago but... as recently as yesterday in a meeting next to my office the discussion of Gucci's clothing fiasco came up and the CEO was trying to get ahead of the "shackle ring" that one of our customers just asked us to produce... I could hear him saying how Gucci had upset a lot of "Black Americans" and the same lady says "Screw them, this is America, White people get upset every day"-- then the door closed. I'm not sure what his response was but apparently it wasn't shock, but I know he was aware I can hear everything in that conference room and to not offend me, he closed the door...

4. Shootings of unarmed black people.... since we are discussing BLM. Trayvon Martin-- a person I knew was a bit racist (you know the kind that borderline says things) completely defended Zimmerman-- even on anti depressants I didn't allow that one to pass. How dare she criminalize an unarmed black teen minding his own business Needless to say it was rather quiet in my area after that. There have never been discussions of police brutality here. They ignore it, if it comes on the news they change the channel. I realized a few years back, their turning of heads is why racism still exist, no one wants to address it.

5. Obama. I don't even think I need to get into details right? I have heard the most disrespectful stuff ever-- including what I have heard about Trump-- about Obama, mostly from the above person.

6. Movies. OH MY GOD. Hidden Figures...... I was approached during a lunch meeting, sat down next to, hands touching my arm as she told the story of her son watching Hidden Figures and how "he cried"...... I'm looking around the table like, there are 8 other people here, why are you touching me and looking at me sympathetically??? I mean it was SO very-- blatant. At the time this was my "newly assigned" manager. She went from the movie reference to coming and sitting at my desk and talking about how "diverse" her kids school is and that's why she loves it because its almost 80 percent Asian..... ummmmm... ok? Random racial situations poured in for about a month from her But again what do I do? She is the CEOs buddy, they are cracking up together, lunch together meetings together, and of course I would be the one who "understood it wrong"

7. Conflict. Oh conflict in the workplace is always... touchy... with said person above there ended up being a conflict, how do I not come off as the angry black woman? Its impossible. Sitting in the meeting and having all the VP men look at me in such a way that I KNEW their thoughts was horrible and degrading and her placing my job as a "peon" ... made me update my resume.

8. Materialistic.... Apparently, as a black woman I also cant have certain things. I eloped in March 2016 and I did not begin to tell anyone until August 2016, and I didn't even tell my job until 2017. Now mind you I have a gorgeous wedding ring, I do, its 2 carats total and it looks every bit of it. (my initial ring was nice, I still have it, I will cherish it forever because it was what he could afford, this ring is my anniversary upgraded ring) So anyway 2017 we went and picked out rings for our 2018 anniversary. In 2018 two other ladies were engaged and married. Beautiful rings, one I swear larger than mine. There were tons of congratulations going around and all of that. We were all celebrating kinda back to back for them. After one gathering I was approached at my desk and I could tell it was something sneaky, so she came over "just to say hello" (from her office on the other side of the building). She walked up while I was working and says "wow nice ring". I told her thank you, she comes in closer and says " now wait that cant be real right? That's fake" I immediately got pissed, yes the hell it is real! "And your husband is disabled right" I just stared at her "Oh well I just have this little ole band" Okay well that's you... she walked away... so I asked the other ladies, did she ask you if your ring was real--- "of course not" then recognizing the look on my face, "oh but you know whats her she probably didn't mean anything by it" YES she did. Before that was my new car "Oh that's not your car is it?"- completely different person. SO I cant have a nice car or a nice ring apparently.

9. Trust. So I am also not trusted. My favorite manager was let go and all his responsibilities were given to another person. They gave me NONE. Everything was handed off to a person who was here 3 years less than myself. I eventually gained access only because she went on maternity leave HOWEVER I was still given limited and even to this day there are closed doors behind things happening around here. No I don't need to know everything however there are only two of us in this department, I know my job and hers, she doesn't know mine... Once in a meeting, they were going over how they would be dealing with a financial situation and the person on skype was "hushed" because the other ears in the room needed not to be privileged to what he was saying.... I was the only other ears in the room... (that time I wasn't sure if he didn't want me to know what they were doing was borderline illegal, or if he thought I just really shouldn't know the profits of the company)

10. PAY. Oh y'all knew I was going to touch on this right? I AM the lowest paid person here and its not guessing its fact. I worked our HR for 3 months. I have seen every one's pay. I am also only 1 of 2 people who have to clock in and am not salary. I have been here now 8 years and even new hires make more money than I do.

They love me because I work hard, or maybe the love me because I keep the from not having a single minority in the office. Now we did have someone who was Asian here during my time but that was short lived.

I actually have so many stories in these few years that I just cant even begin to tell you. The looks when certain things go on. The everyone gets to take food home but watch her because she'll take it all. Oh yeah we've had moments where food was offered and I got the exact same amount as the lady in front of me and was whispered about.

You would think after reading this I cant stand my job, the sad part is I love my job, I love it here. I have had things come up in life that they have been extremely helpful and extremely patient with... sometimes, however, I  hate that they don't see my color but I hate that they do see my color.

Working where you are the only minority, the only diversity is a very thin line. You have a family to feed, a horrible economy when it comes to finding a job (I'm watching my friends do this now).

And as I said I love my job I do, but sometimes man, I sit and reflect....

Funny weight loss afterthoughts- RANDOM!

Okay so yesterday while riding in the car I placed my phone on my lap (gps) and realized-- I have a LAP! This made me think back to a moment when I didnt have one. My son was little and I was sitting in my moms chair in her room and for some reason I needed to do something to him (who knows, change a diaper I assume) and my mom made a statement i never realized before-- "poor baby you just dont have a lap" Now before you think this is rude or unkind I dont think she nor I related this to my weight. I certainly didnt, I'd never had a lap so I truly thought I just was short and that was the way things were...Yesterday by a flippant of necessity, I realized... I had a lap, like I could actually sit something on it and it would stay, I could literally see and use pretty much my whole leg! So I DO HAVE A LAP, I laughed and called my mom!

So todays randomness list may be short, it may be long. I'll add for a few days to just cover things I now "have" that I didnt realize, and things that happen that no one tells you about or to prepare for...

THINGS I NOW HAVE/CAN DO:

Ankles

Non wide width feet

A lap

a collar bone

a neck (yes a neck!)

smaller fingers

a jaw line

I can plank

I can fit in a chair without overage

I can crawl UP (pulling body weight up was a huge no no for me)

While on my back my knees can come beside my face (sorry if there was a visual but this was major)

I can touch the left side of my back with my right hand from either direction and vise versa

I have a shape other than round-- I still have round, just adding hourglass

I have more energy- more willingness to try different things

Things I didn't realize, or no one ever told me

Buy new under clothing! Panties in particular!- they do and will fall while walking! Peple fuss about new clothing and you can hang on to old clothing for a while but those undies..... you've got to get new ones

Bra's cups change with sizes (!-- let me elaborate because this confused me, I thought, well if I went down in BAND size, but remained the same in cup size, that would work, so for example I was in a 44F, so I went down to a 40F... well that cup size is NOT the same, I've always thought the cup is what remained the same and only the band changes)

Be careful of rings falling off! :( -- very sad memory! I wont even elaborate

Depression in weight loss is REAL- I want to elaborate but if I did that's a whole new blog, what I will say, is if depression hits you during your journey, understand that its not only natural but very very VERY often in the weight loss world. If you feel depressed, find someone to speak to, work it out, don't allow it to linger if you don't feel it passing. Understand that depression comes from let down and in this journey not everything will be perfect and that let down feeling is real and IT'S OKAY to feel that way, it's NOT okay to allow it to take over your life and your journey

Be mentally prepared for outside people--- PEOPLE, now you probably know "I hate people" but in weight loss it is especially true, do what is best for you and let people do them! I actually had to remind myself of this yesterday when someone told me what they were eating for the day.. I offered unsolicited advice and then I went back and apologized, not because I was wrong but because I EVER want to be the one to discourage anyone from making life changes. And although I didn't think I was being discouraging, that's how it was taken... so yes some people offer good advise-- that doesn't mean you have to take it... DO YOU BOO! People will hate, people will compete, screw people!

Sleeping is NEEDED, as busy individuals, we tend to do great throughout the day. We eat good we exercise, and then we sleep for 4-5 hours... YOU NEED SLEEP. Your body will actually be pleased and the scale will lighten when you sleep enough... if you are doing everything "right" and not losing.. try to sleep for full nights... it actually makes a big difference

Get rid of stress-- LMAO, that sounded easy right? No it's not easy and I dont mean literally, I mean learn to handle it in different ways... I actually was never a stress eater, instead I didnt eat, once I lost weight, I became a stress eater. Food was a comfort, actually in particular sugar.... leads me to my next thing..

Learn WHY you are overweight. Don't always go by charts, every one is different and every bod is shaped different and not all people have the ability genetically to be "chart weight" within a healthy manner... yall can disagree and say what you want and if you know me, my response is kiss my chunky ass... I'll never be 145 pounds nor do I want to be. My body is not made for it, my genetic make up was predetermined that I would be thicker than most.  and I am okay with that. But you learn yourself and your body and you take your time. Breakdown your food addiction, what the reasons are behind it. Most "overweight all my life" are due to several different things, we come from large families, we were made to clean our plates, we werent given limitations, or we snuck past those limitations when others werent looking, food became mental comfort, sugar was introduced and our endorphins went wild and we never learned to distract them. We saw "everyone else" eating all this stuff and because they werent overweight we thought they were healthy- healthy people eat crap too, why cant I? (average weight DOES NOT equal healthy). Once you face your why then you have the ability to tackle the changes needed

Your period-- it will make you gain (for women obviously). I used to get irritated, 3 pounds every time my cycle came, and those three pounds wouldnt leave for a good 2-3 days after. CRAVINGS, ugh for a while during my cycle I just said screw it! Have a damn cookie--- some cookies! At the time I figured I was going to gain the 3 pounds anyway right! Now mind you I still will have a cookie-- but I will make them myself and they will be the least amount of calories I can make them in

CRAVINGS-- speaking of, now we all have cravings, sugar is addictive so your body will want it, especially if you snatch something away, and by sugar I don't only mean sweets, I mean anything you have taken or lessened in your diet that your body is used to, can become a craving. Watch them. People say "satisfy a craving"-- I agree, but give that craving some time. You want cookies, cool, one week from today have a cookie/cake/pie. Not as a reward, but as something you plan on having. Food is not  reward, do not use your cravings as reward. Remember food is for survival, its a necessity, not a reward. I used to do this, oh I eat good and the weekend I reward myself with a piece fo cake.... I changed that to only fulfilling cravings by scheduling and using it as part of my food for that day and that helped me not look at it as a reward, but instead as just something I ate for the day.

DON'T STOP- we ALL have bad days, we all have slip ups, we all -- sometimes out of habit-- grab a cookie without thinking until you've eaten the first bite. Or we have grabbed a fry out of the bag of food for a kid or a mate or a friend. We've all cooked family one meal and us another and took a bite to test the taste... don't be down on yourself for slip ups but most importantly don't quit just because of one. Don't throw your entire day away and say "oh well I already messed up, I'll start again tomorrow". DON'T DO THAT. Move on to your next meal of the day and make better decisions.

The biggest thing that I really learned is losing weight has a few physical attributions but for the MOST PART its completely MENTAL. You have to be ready to mentally talk yourself out of what your own mind and body think. Are you really hungry? Do you really want to waste calories on that snack? As well as "You DID do a good job", "You are succeeding even if the scale doesn't move" (or inches if you are doing inches-- inches depress me so I only do them here and there not because they dont go down but because my initial inches reading was horrific) Throughout this entire process you have to talk to yourself!!!