Depression

Depression is real and it doesn't have to be triggered by anything.. (as always ignore typos)

So I guess technically its not completely random... I have depression. I have dealt with depression for over a decade. Actually I have had several moments of depression throughout my entire life, but not diagnosed until about 10 years ago. Depression changes you... I'm not sure anyone who has ever been depressed actually gets over it, and if they do, I congratulate them because while sometimes mine are triggered, sometimes it comes completely out of thin air.

Today's I think is a tad bit of everything. I don't particularly know if its one issue or all of the craziness at once. There has been so much killing going on lately that its bothering my soul... like it started with Maleah, for some reason that situation had me in tears from the jump. I knew something was wrong from the very beginning and that feeling is still with me, I cant stand any of them that are involved including that sorry ass excuse for a mother and I cant stand to even look at the wanna be civil rights activist (who by the way is a racist himself and yes I believe that if you hate Jewish people you are racist!) An entire month my soul mourned for that baby and then to find her the way she was, had me praying it wasn't her and at the same time praying it was... such a mix of emotions because God knows I wouldn't have wanted them to discovered yet another baby, but you know my heart just hoped for the best while my mind was thinking the worst. Then the 17 year old who was killed DAYS after graduating, DAYS by someone else who had graduated from the same damn school. I already knew that part before it was announced today so I was hurt yesterday about TWO lives lost, completely preventable!!!! And to take the cake the 13 year old baby caught in a crossfire, hurt me to my soul... I could only think of my baby, my son... at 13 technically a child should be able to go tot he store with friends and come back home safe!!! I don't let me kids go to the store, I barely let them out of my sight even when they are with my older step kids. I cant imagine the mom, I cant imagine the lady who tried to help and her daughter who watched someone she knew go thru such a tragic experience. I cant imagine what he was thinking and praying when all he wanted to do was go get a snack from a fucking corner store. Not even to mention the transgender ladies being killed. I cant help but think this is being done by someone who hates themselves and their own desires and are taking it out on these women. I didn't know Lay directly but I new her indirectly thru my family and my step daughters knew her. Its just a very sad time in Dallas and it all is affecting me.

Working while have depression is hard as shit. Picking yourself up in the morning, standing in the shower and praying that those open pores will help push you thru the day. Getting to work and putting the fake smile on your face as you try not to allow anyone to see your mood. Getting home and your kids keep asking if you are okay and of course you say yes, but no you are not. Forcing yourself to make a 5/10 minute quick dinner each night because even depressed you cant neglect your family, only to lie in bed praying sleep will take over, and sometimes t does, for a moment, until 230/3am, you want sleep to return but it doesnt, you open FB and another damn shooting, another missing child, another dead body... you mourn, you go to sleep, your alarm says get up but you cant now, the sleep just got here...fuck!!! Time to push thru....again

I've tried to pour my everything into my kids sports but today--- for some reason today-- my soul is uneasy, to much tragedy and pain surrounds me, I'm overwhelmed with emotion. My anxiety is at its peak. My soul needs some relief! Some laughter, some drinks with friends, SOMETHING because all this energy all this tragedy all these empathetic feels are making me want to do nothing but lay down in the bed and cover my head and hope for better days tomorrow. Really HOPING for better days...